poems in rumination
stuff i had written when songs or snippets (and some other things) r caught in looping in my mind. written in dreams or in fugue states
“Butchers and Erosion” (Fall 2024)
[White noise kind of drown me out,,,]
I'm aiming at veracity
I'm trying to speak the,,
truth
And of course there's obfuscation
And of course there's obfuscation
And of course there's obfuscation
When I'm trying to speak my,,
truth
It's like the words just fall a,,
way
Tired of passive-aggression
Tired of feigning interest
Tired of sarcasm
Tired of the,,
truth
I inherit
This language
It says it speaks
It says it speaks the,,
truth
But when I stop and stare that way,
It just all begins to sway
It says, "I'm trying to find the,,
truth"
Truth and imperfection
Truth and imperfection
Truth and imperfection
Truth and the,,
truth
Signifiers signifying
Signifiers signifying
They say that they're signifying
I'm waiting for a,,
sign
Speaking that language
Speaking a language that's
Trying to speak about,,
me
Grammar rules try to choke me out
Emails and no complaining
It's all formal and inhumanely
It's all formal and it's,,
dumb
And now I try to learn to speak
While I practice biting
My own,,
tongue
If my words betray me,
What have I become
When my words betrayed me,
What did I be,,
come
Was it betrayal or maybe something--
Was I butcher or maybe something--
And so my body e,,
rodes
I am erosion,
I act out erosion,
As I butcher this world
As I butcher these,,
words
Irregardlessly
Importune to me
Make me,,
numb
I try to cry out
But I don't even know my name
And when I try to speak
My words don't mean
What they think they oughtta
What they think they,,
do
It's the butcher:
erosion
Me and
you.
"Salmonella" (Summer 2025)
I stick my head in a furnace
And it feels real good
Squeezing my guts like a lesion
Where my skin runs thin
It tastes so peculiar
I can't stop myself
From biting and gnawing
And frothing away at the mouth
Grab my fat like a handle
Of soft play-doh
Play with it for miles
Roll it into stringing ropes
Arms twist like a pretzel
And I can't let go
I'm searching for something
While I drown out every hope
The abrasion's so soothing
It lifts me up
I'm faux levitating
(It's like I'm gonna puke)
Seize it so tightly
And don't let go
Sharp like a screwdriver
Made of bone
Twisting and turning
I won't give in
The world falls out slowly
And I feel so sick
Biting my tongue off
Ripping off all my limbs
I don't know how to swallow
Or else I'd fit right in
Caught in a landslide
Bl3ad1ng like a broken stream
I kept pushing harder
Trying to be all I could be
Carving glass with a hammer
It burns to touch
I rip my eyes out often
And now I can't sense much
But what I can seems awful
And makes time stretch
On for so long
I'm so far gone
2 minutes and forty
Seconds
Eyes glaze over
Staring at my screen
Watching Macbeth for high school
On five times speed
Eating peanut oil-soaked prop apples
I bite through the skin
Retching and spinning
The ground caves in
Now there's a knife
Knocking at my door
Scraping a contour
And busting up the floor
I'm squealing all nocturnal
Like a farm mouse who's
Lost and afraid,
And freezing to death.
It sounds like--
"Mitochondrial sedition" (Fall 2025)
*to the tune of one of the songs from Mom 3, but i don't remember which*
there's an ancient evil knowledge that's eating up the inside of me
and i don't know how to deal with it cuz i don't know how to breathe
and it's awful when i feel like this when my skin won't let me be
but i don't know how to deal with it cuz it's what makes me me
"Waiting for the train to come" (Winter 2025)
*i think meant to be to the tune of mom I Fucked in Heaven*
It smells like sweat
It smells like oil
Sign says that shit is not
Potable
(^pronounced with 4 syllables)
"lying at the doctor's office" (Winter 2026)
the pain comes quick
the pain comes often
what you want to hear
is what i try to proffer
but for lost all language
and internal cognition
give all of it over
to trying to sense
your past collides
into cataract eyes
i dont know how i have ever have been
i dont know who my parents were
or if their parents had many sick firends
i dont know how to think
i cant imagine if i ever did
the only words in my head
come from out of your throat
running late
running a high heartbeat
not normal per se
but it's always this way
when ---
trying to fit
waking up late
your levels look normal
was that just a question?
what is your tone
where are your eyes
what are your clothes
how ought i pose
i cant see anything
all vertigo
i forgot how even to breathe
i forget how to make sentences
until
a change
a new curator takes hold
tries to answer what's that's left
but the signals have crossed
too many times now
and so all i seem
is as a muddled old mess
i will come back better next time
i promise all hollow to myself
prepared on days where i cannot go
rushing
ejected on days when i'm obliged to show
dragging
why did i schedule it for this time?
i'm never up this early
fall asleep through two more alarms
cuz i was too busy
choking on hands and mucus
and coughing fits for all of last night
choke choke choke
and spinning and spinning
everything
time
limbs
body stretching
grasping
gulping as a reflex
a rest that always comes to pass
try to keep it steady
falling into trash
headphones die at 80%
sudden silence in the snow
4 layers on to trek new grounds
now ur trudging back in tow
with nothing but footprints intersecting
with bunny rabbit tracks
undisturbed
rooted down below
swollen leg
swollen hand
is this normal
or just for show
it hurts bad when it hurts this often
i try to write it down
but i dont know how to move
cryptographically
how to speak and drag my whole jaw home
collapse in sweat from a heavy body
a steady pulsing jumps from right to left
gravity is so hard today
how did anyone ever breathe at will
climb the stairs two more times
change the water
refill the ...
only secret cement coating everything
only kicking and looking for holds
only bashing your head into bruising
only pain like only i know
and everyone else who has ever lived
just in different bodies and different times
all of us aching, none of us tried
would that we could, we'd just go &,.? synchronize?
"complex issues..." (Winter 2026)
(sometimes to the tune of “Reversal of Fortune” by Girls Rituals)
new scholastic issue -
comes with a free cheap plastic wrist band
i think this'll mean we finally know ----
...
playing Fall Guys in a Shrek: The Movie skin
& in Fortnite there's Peter Griffin
paying to play with your heroes
what's better, Dinner with Jay Z
or 3.99 vbucks price increase?
--> for real value turn to page 18
I thought the coloring book would tell me
what year the world was made in
A fiendish thing of misdirect-
You believe...
@ least Dolly Dimpley's a real one
she knows the game she's playing
(she knows no one's playing it with her)
these other guys will pay to get locked behind a screen
and then attack people on the internet when they dont want to get in with them
was the boy transgender or was the girl simply not home?
was she dead? or was she playing with her atemporal toys out in the yard?
falling in the shadows
speaking in the source code
revisionism or AI hallucination?
i think we'll never know
be a bad idea to dig your nails too deep in
lest the evidence of ur self-hate will actually start 2 show
(just crusted blood & the smell of shit when u pull it out)
everyone just wants a friend
and some bodies know that
psychic bear
& invented God
pareidolia pulls the peer group in
more than just a coincidence
when printer errors keep happening
the defective cards lose their resale price
6 years on & it's still skulking in pain
unsure of itself
forced to live
with an IV drip of neglect
someday you'll be a celebrity
and then it'll all be worth it
your cameos will finally mean something
u can make money on crypto or a quick brand deal
i think anyone could
so what's more-
(and they hate u)
(u, the ultimate victim)
(u, the suffering saint trying to shed the world of sin)
(why don't we just ask Myers-Briggs?)
(Nazis love lolcows too)
"putricide dreams & a potty break" (Winter 2026)
i think there's COVID in the water of my a-part-ment
duh duh duh duh duh - duh duh
duh duh duh
i woke up up with throwup clawing out my throat
i woke up with my back in a lingering pain
-- -- -- -- -- --
gotta go pee
black mold maybe in my
unwashed water bottle
cuz my Brita filter broke & -- -- -- -- --
don't wanna do Bezos but really I'm just dumb
i put off doing stuff 4 my health cuz i know it wont be fun
-- -- -- -- -- -- --
-- -- --
(?----)...
(yet it's not even like i do that shit N,E-E-E way)
yea, it’s like a folded cardboard sign left 2 crumple in the rain; soggy & free
"speleology" (Spring 2026)
(to the tune of djmegan23 hold ur hand)
nobody wants anything from your heart
not even organ harvesters would give u a chance
wondering and wandering
waiting 4 the shame 2 go away
i wish i could love u as i thought that i would be able 2
crying in a parking lot
cannot figure out how 2 start my car
having trouble breathing (hardly)
squeezing my face & shutting my eyes --- ---
how does lying hurt you
i only thought i wrote my truth
had 2 eat my broccoli
but i waited 2 long & now it's rot
how did i get nothing done
trying to sit & wait it out
fear & hate & rage & falling thru
alligator mind control
search a database for wani no saimin
fallible like a handlebar
that's shaped 2 make u clench ur fist 2 hard
"i want 2 be ur friend"
(waiting for them 2 say jk again)
shaking your head so hard you dislodged your shoulder from its limb
powerful like a handheld drill
let's go reenact the movie "pi"
dandruff falling detritus
calisthenic speech control: 2 die
felt tip feeling whiteboard
erases so coarsely when drawn again
had 2 change my name again so the summer program'd let me apply
::about poetry::
Most of the poems I've written over the past couple years. I like poetry as a medium because it lets me push language to its breaking point and is the easiest medium for me to translate some of my more intense feelings into something semi-legible. It also lets me frame my paranoid, repulsive, etc. thought patterns as something closer to beauty.
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