"I want friends I want love I want company" poem series
it would not come together as one
This series was initially intended to be one poem centered arouond the titular theme. In time, I realized I had too many ways I wanted to approach the topic (in style, in rhythm, in form, etc.) that it would not work as one without serious surgery -- something I'm not that interested in working out how to do at the moment. I thought there were still some cogent passages, though, so I fractured it into what it is now -- this involved some deletion and rearranging et cetera. Things were lost and maybe not enough was gained, but it is done now, and I feel content with that. I'm moving on to other projects now.
"I want friends I want love I want company (I)"
It's easy to want.
(But it's scary to do).
Inside my now moribund mind,
I've written ten thousand DMs
Three thousand times
--Some of them were elegant,
While still others were sly--
But I hate myself so easily...
Cuz it's quick, simple fun
To auto-conspire.
Plus, for some reason,
The words don't endure... just slip and expire--
They've but a limp, meek, and meager persistence,
No more longevous than fading embers from a pyre.
"I want friends I want love I want company (II)"
It's a whole lot of things:
Saying "thanks," or "I want in!"
It's dragging my feet
When cleaning the plates.
It's how writing an email
Makes me grimace and quake,
It's how I know I really just ought to
Cut my losses and try again.
It's for going and coming
And trying new things.
It's desiring to be honest,
While wanting to fit in.
"I want friends I want love I want company (III)"
My sliced-open ribs and twisted spine
Fuse like a half-double helix into the
Shape of a crooked skeleton key,
And even though they're prone to be broken,
I still won't permit anyone like a locksmith
The leniency that would be required to tend to me.
Further, the prospects of dating open
A deep pit of hell
And agitate my insides into
A knee-jerk, intestinal revulsion.
Meditating on this,
I start to shudder and shake
In the Target aisle that now snakes
As the knowledge that I am
Grows so sickening.
I can see it so clearly:
The golden path revealed.
But then I'm back at it,
Cuz still nothing lucid congeals.
"I want friends I want love I want company (IV)"
Well, locomotion's pretty simple
If you can rely on the 'ol wheel,
But me, I'm set on innovation,
Which means forging a new one
Every damn time I feel.
Thus I commute with parabolic procrastination,
Putzing about with rambling gait
As I perambulate the empty yard,
While amassing all this petty self-hate.
"I want friends I want love I want company (V)"
My guiltiest pleasure is my wicked wont for
Scouting out any odd reason to doubt.
Through it, I spend most my leisure
Hiding from working things out.
I lie in bed and hallucinate --
I think I am what I think that I am,,,
Why does it feel so great--
I don't understand...
And in that I am still alive,
I end up feeling justified...
Cuz I don't look how I want to,
Cuz I'm afraid that people will see me,
So I warp and mask and pretend to make do,
But I'm still ugly (I say to myself).
And when I'm this way--
When I still can't stomach to look at me
-- that thing that isn't me --
I get so scared and shameful and filled with dismay.
"I want friends I want love I want company (VI)"
I throw myself upon mine own blade --
Like a Damocles something something machinic lathe.
I worry about the prophecies that I invented--
About that people will somehow mistake me for me...
"I want friends I want love I want company (VII)"
It's not possible.
Its not perfect.
So I'll cut it off--
(It's the only way I know)
I want to see the me I want to
Be out there searching for me.
But it's not too late..
It's not the end..
I haven't a tied up fate.
I can still make friends...
Some windows start closing
And some doorways get locked
But the wide world out there
Spans more than just a few blocks
"I want friends I want love I want company (VIII)"
In time you will see
The tragic extent of your failings,
But really you're not so special.
It's okay to keep bailing.
So too is it to mess up and move on --
To lie down on the cross
And let your bleeding limbs crawl on.
Send out half-baked ideas,
And release birds with broken wings.
Nothing lasts forever.
Not even this fear.
(Unless you keep feeding it,
Whereupon the nothing'll be you;
Yeah, but even then-- )
"I want friends I want love I want company (IX)"
Strike while the iron's hot
You melting statue of wax
You creaking homunculus shedding its skin
You fighting against the clock
Against the fact that you're becoming undone
Flesh flapping open like Frankenstein unseamed
Lock in all Clockwork Orange-style
Mouth and stomach spasm in mutual beguile
Your body rebels
Bite the bullet
Stave the storm
Eye sockets dragged back by a cartoon leaf blower
Pulse
Pulse
Pulse
Pulse
Pulse
Pulse
Pulse
Pulse
Bite your hand, you're almost there
Teeth sink into flesh
Grip tighter
Break skin if you have to
Just say it
Just write it
Just do it
Be wrong
Be misunderstood
Pierc3 the veil
Take the needle from its mercurial haystack
Start somewhere (a shifting goalpost)
Sputter
Clench
You're almost there
One more minute
One more email
One more
Gamble
You will win
It's now or never
Break your body like Christ
Vampiric
But vampires never die
And still they feel pain
Cough up consumption
Spasm
Back pain from dehydration
Smash your face into a wall
You can do it
You have to
Keep living
You need to save yourself first
It's tough to drive when you're drowning
Fall to pieces and give in
It's easy to want.
(But it's scary to do).
::about poetry::
Most of the poems I've written over the past couple years. I like poetry as a medium because it lets me push language to its breaking point and is the easiest medium for me to translate some of my more intense feelings into something semi-legible. It also lets me frame my paranoid, repulsive, etc. thought patterns as something closer to beauty.
BACK TO POETRY HUB PAGE
hi :3 you reached the end of the page