"Bleeding limb" poetry series

.......im so fucking tilted right now. ive been trying all day to just do SOMETHING, but my body fucking refuses time after time to work. My legs don't work, my fingers don't work, it's been a waking shitshow of delirium since waking up this morning. There was a moment when i could move and i could express volition through my veins without it having to feel like sloughing a cow. It's so fucking frustrating. My body did this yesterday. It did it half the days last week. YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO WORK PLEASE JUIST FGUCKJING WORKDKKIORFLKMIWAJILDJLKJLIKAWDKJL
..,..
anyways. even though im fucking pile of unbaked unleaved bread  , i have things i want to say . ive been wanting to say them for a while and i refuse to let my veins that pulse with glue prevent me from doing...
i have so many things i want to say. i have an outline for an essay on fortnite and the battle royale genre, i have an essay on ai images, copyright law, and a game review on minecraft dungeons. it's fucking annoying because for all of these i know what im going to say. maybe not exactly but also yes exact;y/ biut i dont even get the chance to try and prove it because im stuck mired in this stupid crap . ujnable to move, barely able to breathe. fuck me dude. ....
anyways, i want to write about the future in a personal way. motivating this most recently is that i finally read the message from the yale alum that was matched up with me to mentor me (he sent it a month ago or somethingi dk). also motivating this is that tomorrow there's an east asian studies career event hosted by one of my professors, but i havent been able to leave the house in any functional capacity (not even anxiety, just this fucking putty limbs crap), so i don;'t think that will happen (if happen means i show up and get something out of the event and am not like a sloshing, writhing eel in a bucket the whole time. anyways, both of these things and many before and likely after them intersect with work opportunities in japan. the alum mentor who got matched up with me is saying that he had this fulbright in japan. i matched with an alum last semester too (though we actually communicated past the initially couple of messages) and she also was in japan post grad for some work. people keep telling me this over and over: there's all these programs you can apply to to teach english in japan, to work in japan, to learn japanese there. and i have legitimately no interest in any of them. what's difficult, though, is that this is constantly heralded as this divine thing that all successful japanaese academics must move through, but like, me, im not about that in ANY kind of way.
I have personal / ethical reasons why I wouldn't be interested in teaching in japan, but i don't think they are actually the primary reason why im zero percent interested. in fact, i think the objections have developed in the interim to provide some kind of internal justification for as to why i have no interest in this thing. oh, it's because the thing is actually *bad.* ah, and then that means i am a better person for not going. I tell myself this narrative sometimes, probably, but if i sit down with it and think about it in any kind of concerted fashion, i don't see myself genuinely buying into it. I can't say for sure what the cause would be. I think, unfortunately, the largest culprit is burnout. I have fallen off my interest in japanese area studies so much man. everything is a chore and i have throw myself as if off a building to get any kind of momentum going on japan related things. it makes me feel sick, genuinely, thinking about being in japan for the time that these programs would require. Sure, i guess i could do it, living one day at a time, but I actually feel dizzy and nauseous and want to rip my spine out when i think about that these would be what i would have to do. and it makes me cry. because i want to be someone who helps work against eurocentrism of knowledge and who does work that i know i could have done at one point. But right now when i envision this stuff i just see the floor falling out from under me and gravity shifting so crash over and over into a cobblestone pavement. i feel sick. i am not always in the type of physical way i am right now which is probably playing a kind of part in how i envision the future, but even when im relatively more stable, these visions spin out into intrusive thoughts of self harm. and people keep saying : do this : do this : do this : do this. i need to eat i need to eat and im not eating and this is a way to eat but i can't i can't stand on my own two feet and say this, it's all vertigo and and and now an electrical agitation shoots across my face and an obtrusive something infiltrates my throat. my skin doesn't feel safe my skin doesn't feel safe i can't deal with this skin i can feel all this skin and i cant deal with it i t jhurtts i ts hurts i ioqnjn ,wmnt,mnmnnnnnnnnnn
i havent eaten three meals in a day in i don't know how long. maybe it's been a month. i went to the grocery store yesterday, finally. barel,y but i still cant eat and  i still dont have foodd : go live in japna, do that. ripping my nostrils out. ripping my cheeks ouit . betrayal. i cant even close my mouth. just a lame, dry gape as my bpdy slumps down moreand morelllllllllllll
i aawntt to bne alive. i want oto eat. i want to be alive. i awnt  to eat. i acantp go too ja[an. and every pne keesp aksing me to ,mi ik ai iwant o to breathhe to be abvle to rbeareath i want oto walk.  ia want to walk. i want to move where ie want to move. i want to have a will. i want to live in different skin. ina different body, in different time. i want to live in tthe past. when i wanted thnigs. iwant tpo i want iwant iwant antin
no no noawe no on non on o nono nononononlnln nl . i eill not fo that i refse.
let me go. let , me have m ybnody back. l,plaesesaeaseada,cx.z